Chapter Nine
Locked away in my restroom, I stared at my reflection, watching the tears fall from my eyes. I had sneaked from the attic after Isabelle went to sleep. 'I am a sick person.' I will never forgive myself for what I did to Ashley. I invaded her innocence. My frustration with Isabelle took over me and Ashley paid for it.
Isabelle seemed pretty upset about the encounter too. After what Du Bois, or I, had done to her; she had to hate him. Why wouldn't she? I blamed her for everything. I prayed it would make her leave us alone. But even with the prospect of being rid of Isabelle, I still couldn't collect myself. I kept seeing Ashley's face pressed against the wall and tears flowing from her eyes. I know she didn't feel what happened, but if she knew about it she would never forgive me.
I was sitting in a dark corner of my room when I heard a knock on my door. I didn't answer. I heard the door knob rattle and watched the door open. Damn, I thought it was locked. Ashley looked around then saw me on the floor. She rushed over and asked what was wrong. I was so wrapped up in my guilt I couldn't speak. When I tried to say something, my voice gave in to the hurt inside of me. I cried aloud and buried my head in my arms.
Ashley held me and pleaded for answers. I felt like I was having a mental breakdown and I couldn't bear the weight of my secrets any longer. So I confessed.
"I had sex with her." I barely got the words out before I started crying harder. She was silent. I felt her hands retreat from around me. I braced for an attack. I just knew she was going to strike me.
"What?" Her voice was low and shaky.
I couldn't answer again. We sat on the floor until I calmed down a little.
"I'm so sorry." I started crying again.
I was afraid of what she was thinking, but no matter what, I needed to clear my conscience. I couldn't live with myself knowing what I had done. I wanted to comfort her like a brother would his sister, but the problem was, I was the assailant. I was too ashamed to look at her when she finally spoke.
"What happened?" Her voice was low.
I had to think about where to begin. I told her about Isabelle being possessive of Du Bois and how she got hostile when I rejected her. I told her about the suicide threat and how jealous she was of Ms. Du Bois and how she couldn't stand the thought of Mr. Du Bois having sex with his own wife. I told her that's why I wanted her to leave town; because Isabelle was forcing me to do things and if I didn't I had to worry about her getting hurt. I told her that I hurt Isabelle's feelings and accused her of causing problems for Mr. Du Bois. But after explaining everything, Ashley was only thinking of one thing.
"So, you and her, I mean me, we did it?" All I could do was shake my head to confirm. My eyes never left the floor. We sat in silence again.
"I need some time to think." She went to her room.
Our paths never crossed the rest of the night. In fact, neither of us left our room. My mind raced uncontrollably. I wanted to know what Ashley was thinking, but I was too afraid to approach her. For all I knew, she was packing to go back home. I wouldn't blame her. I would be lucky if she ever spoke to me again.
I went down to the kitchen to get something to drink. My gut tightened when I saw her sitting at the counter eating a bowl of cereal. I hesitated for a few minutes. She seemed calm.
"Hey." She looked back at her bowl and stirred her cereal.
"Hey." I responded. "I just need something to drink." I got my water and started back to my room.
"So, do you think she'll come back?" She asked. I didn't turn around to look at her, I just faced the doorway.
"I hope not." That was all I could manage.
A couple of days passed with no Isabelle. Ashley and I were moving around the house again, but our relationship was far from normal. We barely spoke to each other. She didn't react to me with hate or disgust when we talked, she acted completely indifferent. I thought I would be happy to know she didn't despise me for what I had done, but truth be known, she didn't have to; I despised myself.
I couldn't look at her the same as I did just a week earlier. When I saw her my eyes roamed over her body. Seeing her was a constant reminder of what we had done. Each time I'd catch her bending over or reaching for something, images of her naked body would flood my mind and the guilt of my betrayal would soon follow. I didn't want to have sexual thoughts about her, I just couldn't control them. I even dreamed about her for what little time I slept.
I'd watch her bend over in front of me and slide her panties to the floor, then I'd press her against the wall and enter her. She would cry out my name and beg me to continue. Then I would wake; sweat streaming down my body, my member fully erect. I was in complete and total agony.
One night my screams must have been louder than usual. I was holding Ashley down by her throat, choking her and ripping her clothes away from her body. Even in my dream I hated myself. I could feel the internal struggle. It felt so real. Right as I got to her opening and prepared to enter her, I screamed as loud as I could. When I woke up Ashley was shaking me and telling me it was just a dream. I turned away from her and cried. I was losing my sanity.
Ashley held me that night. For a change we felt like brother and sister again. I was very thankful she was with me, but I didn't want to call attention to it and make her think twice about staying. I felt at home in her arms. I watched the stars through my bedroom window and thought about how difficult it must be for her to stay. I didn't deserve her comfort but she gave it anyway. She was a better person than me. She even tried to blame herself.
"I'm sorry I made you do this." Her apology was sincere.
"You didn't do anything Ashley, I don't deserve you. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry." She squeezed me tight and we didn't speak the rest of the night.
While we were eating lunch the next day she suggested we talk to someone about what happened. When I asked who, she recommended Gale. There was no way in hell I was going to tell that freak I had sex with my sister. She would probably read it all over me the moment I walked in the door; if not before. Hell, she probably already knew.
"Ash. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want anyone to know about it."
"Clay. You're driving yourself crazy, we need help." She was right on both counts, but I just couldn't do it.
"Isabelle hasn't been back in days, I think its over. I think we should just try to forget about it."
She didn't say much after that. We finished our lunch and went our own way. Even though we'd talk, we were still far from normal; I wondered if we'd ever get back to our old selves.
I noticed she was reading a novel. I asked if she had read anymore in the diary and she told me she finished it. Nothing really strange happened except there were several more missing pages. We had been through all the boxes in the attic and didn't find them so it was likely we never would. I commented on how nice it was to be free of Isabelle. She didn't respond.
Watching her reading her book, I thought about how beautiful she looked. Before Isabelle came along, I never thought of Ashley as beautiful. But I had to admit, Isabelle's sexy demeanor and Ashley's beauty was a lethal combination. If Ashley could figure out how to use her looks to her advantage, she could have anything she wanted. Each time I turned a page of the ledger I was reading, I would glance at her just to soak in her image.
When she decided to retire early, I wondered if she just couldn't stand being in the room with me any longer. I hoped she didn't catch me looking at her. I was paranoid. The name Hart, Schaffner & Marx was handwritten on one of the pages in the ledger I was reading, I was familiar with the clothing company. Maybe they were a supplier and Du Bois was a clothing retailer. No other names were distinguished. I was ready to call it a night.
As I was about to close my bedroom door I looked down the hall and was surprised to see the attic door open. I walked over and listened, I didn't hear anything. I knocked on Ashley's bedroom door but she didn't answer. I called up in the attic but didn't get a response. I walked up the stairs just enough to see Isabelle's room, she wasn't there. I went back downstairs and called for her again; no answer. A noise came from upstairs. Back in the attic, I looked around the stored boxes, nothing. I check her restroom and it was empty. When I turned to walk out I nearly jumped out my skin.
Isabelle was standing in front of me.