A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room." The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. "I choose this room!" the man says. "Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I've found your replacement."
The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
Najib and Mahathir went into a bakery on a campaign trail.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Najib steals three curry puffs and puts them in his pocket.
He says to Mahathir, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't even see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win these elections."
Mahathir says to Najib, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickeries and deceits. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Mahathir goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a curry puff and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Mahathir swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one and he eats it as well. Then Mahathir asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the three curry puffs?"
The Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman.
"What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
Little Johnny s next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnnys family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnnys parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the babys hand He looked at its mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldnt wear glasses!!!
Najib and Mahathir went into a bakery on a campaign trail.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Najib steals three curry puffs and puts them in his pocket.
He says to Mahathir, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't even see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win these elections."
Mahathir says to Najib, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickeries and deceits. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Mahathir goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a curry puff and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Mahathir swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one and he eats it as well. Then Mahathir asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the three curry puffs?"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.
"I'm going to have a boy!" she declared. "The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy."
When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too. "I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl."
Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was "I'm going to have a puppy!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
14-01-2018, 08:39 AM
